Mommy Chronicles: Yasin, My Heart

Dearest Yasin,

I didn’t know how much I needed to be your mother. I, like a lot of people, never thought about if I wanted children or why I wanted them. I just dreamed that the children would come along with the husband I was supposed to have, as a family was to be a part of my storybook narrative. They were selling the idea on every street corner with a magazine stand, on every other TV show on every other network, and in every elder in my life that caught the whiff of a commitment on me. But I never really stopped and asked myself why I wanted to be a mother, or what I even had to offer a child. I just knew that I would make sure my children — at one point I thought I wanted four (I know, overachievers) — were provided for and had all the bonus features of life. My children would have the best for the best chances in life.

Yeah, sure, you had the best of everything — the latest Bugaboo, the shoes, the cool socks, the right car with complimentary car seat, a vetted Nanny, breastmilk for a year, the family bed for just as long, lullaby-accompanied rocks back to sleep, a cadre of the best classes LA has to offer, routine doctor visits, a well-appointed room, fresh pureed food, eventful bath times with three-to-four stories at bedtime (only to be outdone by five-to-six songs), favorite parks and beaches and hikes, farmer’s markets every Sunday morning, visits to Travel Town at least twice a week, and an out-of-this-world train collection. Yeah, your father and I gave you a lot… but YOU, you actually gave me everything I didn’t know I needed. Your sweet love, my need to actually care for you, and your spirit stripped me of the “poster mother” image I had bought into, and instead I actually became a mother — a caring, nurturing, giving, sacrificing ball of unhealed emotions, ready to be laid bare and reborn.

See, what I didn’t know was how much I needed you. Thank you for choosing me. You have been my greatest teacher of faith, fear, patience, and LOVE.

When you entered the world, every moment, month, and year since April 16, 2004, YOU expanded me. You stretched me to dig deeper and to be my best, so I could simply heal and BE your mother. You are my first for every milestone of your life. Your smile and laughter help me let go of all the days that I know I really messed up — so much, so there is an actual fund for you if ever you need therapy in your adult life (lol). Seriously, use it — heal so that you can move on and simply BE, okay?

With every barely audible “Good morning,” with every “Good night, I love you,” every request for pancakes with chocolate chips, and every inquiry as to whether I will make it to your game, you have stayed open and patient with me, allowing me — no, encouraging me — to dust myself off and try again. Your love for me gives me permission to try and BE better than I was a year ago, a month ago, a day, or even a moment ago.

You have even allowed me to BE an even better mother to your younger brother, Nasir because you were brave enough to be my firstborn — the first one to break me and mend me in one breath.

Yasin, you make me proud. There is so much greatness in you. You nurture wisdom. I’m clear that you came here not to just make me better but to fulfill your purpose, which will appear to you like dreams. Follow them and let them lead you. Trust my wisdom. Remember, you were once a dream, and by following it, I have been made better for it.

You inspire me. I marvel at your clear vision. I aspire to have your clarity of knowing what you want. You stand tall on your confidence, and wisdom.

Whatever it is that you see through the lens of your heart, my dear Yasin, please never let that glorious pink sunset out of your sight. And if you should ever tumble, please reach out for me. Now that I have been made stronger by your love and existence, I want to be that needed mother you helped to develop. That mother who will vow to be one of your best human spirit guides.

Oh, I can’t wait to witness why your illuminating spirit — guided by so much pixie dust and magic — came to earth. I’m so curious what deal it is that you struck with God and how your purpose will unfurl. I’m so anxious to see what you will do with your intelligence, knowledge, talent, determination, strong will, leadership, business acumen, your other-worldly universal interests that stretch into other galaxies of thought, and your impeccable taste and style, your gorgeous looks, and love of self during this lifetime.

I pray that I will be able to see what you and God co-create for the betterment of your life and humanity as a whole. I’m so thankful to have courtside seats in your life. So if I yell a little too loudly and long, or kiss you too much, and hug you, and want to know every detail of your life… it’s just because I’m just excited to be your mother.

I love you.
Happy 16th Birthday!
xo

Mom

[This letter was published with the permission of Yasin Akil.]